Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
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FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed