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Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
no their not
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme