Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
You Might Also Like
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Donating blood today to make room for more food
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond