By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
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*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
saving face 👀
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed