You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
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Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Finally! 😈
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I hate my earbuds.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.