Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
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Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.