@Dawn_M_: Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
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@chuuew: Isn't it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn't think so but that's what my new best friend is telling security
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Did you give the kids a bath? Me: I got the dirt off. Wife: What does that mean? Me: *hides the leaf blower*
@KyleMcDowell86: [Little Caesar's meeting] "We need a new, clever slogan" *everyone looks at Jim* Jim: Um... Pizza...Pizza? "Jim...U just saved this company"