@Paxochka: Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
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@AKATriple: To the first two people who thought Superman was a bird or plane... why the hell were you so excited?
@Ristolable: Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption "1st Easter!" Hell no, there have been like 2000, we're not starting over just for him
@Rlpihl: [driving 2 school] *looks back,sees toothbrushes in child carseats WAIT! IF YOU'RE HERE THEN... [cut to kids at home, covered in toothpaste]
@RdrJay47: Her: What brings you to speed dating? Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.