Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
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He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
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14
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18
90Me: Nailed it.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN