@Paxochka: Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Ygrene: [Murderer enters my bedroom] Murderer: murdering time! Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers) Murderer: SON OF A
@Pspenny36: 7yo: mommy you smell like beer. Me: well, you smell like a bad idea that your dad and I thought could fix our marriage....now go to bed.
@RickAaron: "I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon".
@Social_Mime: My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there's a 100% chance I'll be there and then I don't show up.