@Paxochka: Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
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@iwearaonesie: toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed] wife: Do something me *takes phone out to record it* wife: Do something else
@NikkiGlaser: What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, "who emptied the dishwasher?!"
@TheCatWhisprer: A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
@psybermonkey: [heist] Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe Thief: well? Me: omg... [cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]