Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
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Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Saw online –
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders