Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
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Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
That’s fair
This made me chuckle.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?