Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
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(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card