@PetiteRainCity: Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
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@conanobrienswyf: How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can't even get two kids to brush their teeth.
@thentherewasmo: Renee Zellweger is living proof that if you keep making that face it's going to be stuck that way forever
@ScorpionDong: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain streaking" [pilot darts out of the cockpit completely naked]