Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
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The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
the Monday after daylight savings
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.