Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
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GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.