Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
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(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.