me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
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cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”