@CelebrityChez: Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, your pets in tupperware, your grandad in a crockpot and your mother in law in a ziplock bag.
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@itsrealTED: "I need a boyfriend" No, you WANT a boyfriend. You NEED water, cause you sound thirsty.
@TheToddWilliams: [2019 USA] "Where are you from?" -Trumpsylvania, how about you? "North Trumpkota"
@dlsims01: My co worker is so mad at me right now her eyes are bulging out like a pug. I don't know wether to call 911 or scratch her behind the ears.
@KentWGraham: When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.