if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
You Might Also Like
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
nice challenge
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.