@junkyardigan: Keep your friend's clothes in your enemy's toaster.
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@PaigeKellerman: Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling "The laptop's not a touch screen," at my kids.
@sweetg35: If you're not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
@CornOnTheGoblin: [God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what'd i do last night? [sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
@mdob11: Me: [crying so hard I can't breathe] why Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done