Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
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Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.