@sunexplode: Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
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@KingRainhead: I thought "ghosting" was when you slowly tricked someone you didn't like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
@Coolisiana: GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment MOTHER: For me? GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
@thestlouisan: [Texting] WIFE: Will you get coffee and a bagel for 6? ME: He's too young for coffee W: Coffee's for me M: Where's the comma? W: M: Hello?
@mommy_cusses: Being a mom means saying things that shouldn't be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, "EAT YOUR CEREAL!" for example.