Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
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I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead