Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
You Might Also Like
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned