@NicCageMatch: Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
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@mommajessiec: 8yo: *drawing family portrait* Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone? 8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
@DaddyJew: Me: so what are you wearing sexy? Collection agency: umm...we'll just call back tomorrow
@markedly: Me: Thanks Cashier: No, thank YOU Me: ...if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
@NickBossRoss: You legally aren't married until someone says, "haha but seriously" in their wedding speech.