@NicCageMatch: Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
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@carlyken: My favorite part of football is when players "look to God." Because He's all, "I can't do shit for the Middle East but I'm rooting for YOU."
@Jason_maybe: Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we'll never run into again. If you don't you're probably it.
@jordan_stratton: [Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream] Oh my god, Linda, it's like you've never even heard of ants.