@tnylgn: Keeping tic-tacs in your pocket lets people know you're more embarrassed of your breath than you are of sounding like a human maraca
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@weinerdog4life: When I tell my wife I'm gonna have to work late she knows it's code for I was playing with super glue and I'm stuck to my desk again.
@KyleMcDowell86: [old couple feeding ducks in the park] "Nothing could ruin this Edna" *I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
@ComedicBust: "These diet pills better work," I say to myself as I wash them down with a chocolate milkshake.
@Mr_Kapowski: *wears a tuxedo tshirt to interview as a joke* McDonald's Manager: Oh wow, are you from corporate?