I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
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HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Every haunted house movie:
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
seems fine