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at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.