*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
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“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up鈥 just had Chris Isaak鈥檚 Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I鈥檓 a health nut now
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed鈥檚 only for unicorns
Me: It鈥檚 a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He鈥檚 just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they鈥檙e bullshit
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 馃槍馃檹
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i鈥檓 feeling ok
therapist: great! let鈥檚 ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.