[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
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I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me