This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
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My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]