Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
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I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?