Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
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I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?