*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
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Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is