Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
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day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?