Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
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“no gods no masters” = leo
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
The Sun
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”