KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
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Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
This is why I hate group projects
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.