KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
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*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.