*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
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Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
How it started How it’s going
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?