@hell_homer: kicked out of church. I yelled "YEAH WE "HAVE A MARIA", SHE'S MY AUNT, WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING IT WEIRD". mustve gotten too close 2 the truth
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@joejwest: ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party? FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
@newcastlecourt: Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
@iwearaonesie: mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!? [flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift's "Love Story" in the car on the way over] me: Yes
@qwertygirl: People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, "Thanks!"--please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.