go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
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I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Not today. 😅
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to