*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
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Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I have so many questions.