@noog: *kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
@BackrowSeats: Don't dwell on bad things that happened in your past. Focus on the terrible things that'll happen tomorrow.
@decentbirthday: [Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
@jordan_stratton: "I want her skin."
-Serial killers and teenage girls
@jimmytorosian: *phone rings*
Wife: "Quick! Pretend I'm not in!"
Me (a dad): "Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It's for you."
@Loli_Sug: There should be a "shame" setting on showerheads.