@noog: *kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
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@UncleDuke1969: Date: So… Tinder, huh? Me: Yup. Date: … Me: This is kind of awkward. Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures. Me: You think so, MOM?
@shadygrenade: *Pizza Hut job interview* "Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?" No sir. "You will."
@mynameisntdave: POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the "shapeshifter" look like? [the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture] ME: ...I dont remember