*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.