[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
You Might Also Like
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.