Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
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Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.