Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
You Might Also Like
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
You know…for fall…
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.