One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
You Might Also Like
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?