Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
You Might Also Like
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.