Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
You Might Also Like
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
When libraries troll their patrons.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.