[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
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Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.