Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
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saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
One venti cheeseburger please.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.