Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
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I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.