kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
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Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
rise and shine we got egg
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.