[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
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Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
starting a garage orchestra
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.