Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
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If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
[canadians at you, canadianly]
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man