Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
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[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.