Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
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The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.