KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
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ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Dietest Coke
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.