Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
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“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.